Restoration Part 1: Rock Bottom

Restoration Part 1: Rock Bottom
At this time, ten years ago, I was in the middle of the worst part of my life. Without going into detail of what actually happened, I want to share where I was mentally and emotionally.

Ten years ago I was feeling very alone. I was married, but my husband was living about eleven hours away and it wasn't a separation that either of us wanted or chose. I was heartbroken. I was left to raise our youngest (she was three), manage the household, go to work, and continue my degree program. It was exhausting and more painful than anything I had ever experienced. I didn't show up as the best mother, employee or student during that time, but I did the best I could with what I had- as everyone always does.

Needless to say, it didn't take long for my husband and I to realize that we had been taking each other for granted to some extent- because we were both miserable and struggling apart.

I was never one to express my emotions before we were separated so under all of the emotional pressure of being separated from my husband, on my own with our daughter, work, and school- I reached and exceeded my emotional capacity. 

Most people in my life wouldn't have even known how miserable I was or that I was battling rage regularly- the most frequent witness to my outbursts was my beautiful little girl. I wasn't proud of my actions and I knew that it wasn't right for me to act that way, but I honestly didn't know that I had another option. 

Within about four months we decided that the best thing we could do was to get rid of our home to take so many tasks off of my plate. That helped free up some time and money, but it didn't make me feel better.

There were days I struggled to get out of bed to be a functional human let alone a good mother, employee or student. I cried myself to sleep regularly, experienced nightmares, struggled with insomnia and often had breakdowns that I recognize now were panic attacks. This was pretty consistent for about three years.
I journaled, read scriptures, and prayed.
I still dealt with anger, rage, and outbursts. I also felt intense heartache. Honestly though, I didn't recognize all of the other emotions I was dealing with- I didn't know I needed to.

What I know now that every emotion that we experienced deserves to be acknowledged and accepted- that is the only way to move past the emotion and all of the horrible side effects that go along with it.

Ten years ago, my world crumbled. My family lost the material life that we built and even our time together for several years. Since then, we have dreamed of restoration. Restoration of our family all being under one roof. Restoration of our material things and more. While we all hated those years, and none of us would want to live through it again, we all learned that no matter how bad things get- restoration is possible.

If my struggle with anger, rage, and emotions in general resonates with you, I highly recommend you check out my Facebook group and Guide 1: The Adventure from Outbursts to Peace.

RAGE: My Journey to Peace and Control

RAGE: My Journey to Peace and Control
Rage isn't something that is often talked about. The first time that I mentioned Rage on my Facebook, I received quite a few shocked responses. The thing is, I know that rage is more common than anyone is willing to admit. I have seen plenty of people totally lose their sh*t. But no one talks about it outside of the occasional "anger management" comment... and honestly, that doesn't even come up often.

I remember the first time I experienced rage with my horse. it was one of the first times I truly experienced rage- I was about 15. I don't remember what it was that triggered this particular bout of rage, but I can tell you that whatever the trigger was, it wasn't responsible for the entirety of the emotion. Even while in the midst of my rage, I could sense that there were underlying emotions contributing to how I was feeling. That was the first time I had an outburst that scared my horse. That was the first time I had completely and utterly failed him as a leader.

Our horses (and dogs!) look to us for leadership. Being a leader to our animals is not about being in charge and making the decisions because you are the owner. Instinctually, our horses for stability, wisdom, and calm from their leaders- and those qualities are how leaders are chosen! Are there occasionally fights for dominance? Sure, but only if there is more than one potential leader that is stable, calm, and wise.

The minute we lose our cool in front of our animals, that is the moment they know we are not quality leader material. And each time we experience rage, we start to lose that sense of underlying causes. We get so wrapped up and consumed with the rage that we often forget about other things or just translate other emotions into rage.

I have walked this path for over 15 years and now that I have figured out how to truly control my rage, I have seen how dramatically different life can be on the other side.

I know that 1) I am not the only one that has dealt with rage and 2) I am also not the only one that feels the shame around rage. So, since I know I am not alone, we are going to talk through this. Starting on February 1, 2021. I will be starting the Outbursts to Peace Challenge in my group Heart-Centered & Intentional Horsewomen. I really hope to see you there.