At this time, ten years ago, I was in the middle of the worst part of my life. Without going into detail of what actually happened, I want to share where I was mentally and emotionally.
Ten years ago I was feeling very alone. I was married, but my husband was living about eleven hours away and it wasn't a separation that either of us wanted or chose. I was heartbroken. I was left to raise our youngest (she was three), manage the household, go to work, and continue my degree program. It was exhausting and more painful than anything I had ever experienced. I didn't show up as the best mother, employee or student during that time, but I did the best I could with what I had- as everyone always does.
Needless to say, it didn't take long for my husband and I to realize that we had been taking each other for granted to some extent- because we were both miserable and struggling apart.
I was never one to express my emotions before we were separated so under all of the emotional pressure of being separated from my husband, on my own with our daughter, work, and school- I reached and exceeded my emotional capacity.
Most people in my life wouldn't have even known how miserable I was or that I was battling rage regularly- the most frequent witness to my outbursts was my beautiful little girl. I wasn't proud of my actions and I knew that it wasn't right for me to act that way, but I honestly didn't know that I had another option.
Within about four months we decided that the best thing we could do was to get rid of our home to take so many tasks off of my plate. That helped free up some time and money, but it didn't make me feel better.
There were days I struggled to get out of bed to be a functional human let alone a good mother, employee or student. I cried myself to sleep regularly, experienced nightmares, struggled with insomnia and often had breakdowns that I recognize now were panic attacks. This was pretty consistent for about three years.
I journaled, read scriptures, and prayed.
I still dealt with anger, rage, and outbursts. I also felt intense heartache. Honestly though, I didn't recognize all of the other emotions I was dealing with- I didn't know I needed to.
What I know now that every emotion that we experienced deserves to be acknowledged and accepted- that is the only way to move past the emotion and all of the horrible side effects that go along with it.
Ten years ago, my world crumbled. My family lost the material life that we built and even our time together for several years. Since then, we have dreamed of restoration. Restoration of our family all being under one roof. Restoration of our material things and more. While we all hated those years, and none of us would want to live through it again, we all learned that no matter how bad things get- restoration is possible.
If my struggle with anger, rage, and emotions in general resonates with you, I highly recommend you check out my Facebook group
and Guide 1: The Adventure from Outbursts to Peace.